so many wars we've fought. {openness}

[Anya]

Sad memories. She was surrounded by sad memories. Other people's sad memories. It felt somehow invasive, scanning the rows of tombstones adorned with beautiful flowers and a few poignant engraved words. These weren't people she'd known. They weren't people she'd lost. No, considering all she'd been through, the list of people she'd lost was a surprisingly short one - Tara. Joyce. Hallie. The former two were a different kind of loss; devastating, yes, but their deaths had been out of her hands - and their graves had went under with the rest of Sunnydale. Hallie, though. Hallie was different. Hallie had died because of Anya. She'd as good as killed one of her oldest friends. And demons...demons didn't get graves with pretty flowers and honorary epitaphs.

She didn't like to think about Hallie; wouldn't have been thinking about her - really, it was all that damn leaser's fault. For months now, the vengeance demon had been thinking about opening up her own little place of business similar to what she and Giles'd had back in Sunnydale, and the perfect opportunity had presented itself in a man renting out a building only a few blocks down from where she worked currently. Now, Anya wasn't an extremely superficial individual. She liked...taking good care of her human-esque body, yes. But she wasn't overly obsessed with her looks the way some people coughCORDELIAcough were. Still, this happened to be something she wanted very, very badly, and she'd put a little extra effort into looking nice - her hair clipped up in a spontaneous but elegant bun, her make up given a few extra touches - and then, when she'd gone to look through her jewelry, she'd found it. Hallie's pendant. The one Anya had managed to scrape up from her ashes and hold onto all this time. The only remaining evidence that her friend had ever existed. And she had almost forgotten she'd kept had it.

But what was the point of holding onto it, really? So that she could comfort herself by keeping some remainder of the other demon? No. She didn't deserve that sort of comfort. Not when Hallie was dead because of her. So she'd come all the way here, to one of New York City's cemeteries, to give Hallie the closest thing to a final resting place that she could. Hallie would have liked that, Anya thought. This small form of proof that she wasn't forgotten. Or she hoped she would have liked it, anyway, because right now it was the best she could offer her lost friend. There'd be no headstone to mark the grave, so instead Anya had knelt beside an old oak tree and, taking a little garden trowel, had dug a small hole that was only about a foot deep. She'd dropped the pendant inside and buried it, leaving only a small patch of upturned dirt to mark the spot. And now...she was alone. She shifted restlessly in the grass, unable to tear her gaze from the spot. There was so much she wanted to say, and she would have, if...maybe...

"I see people doing this sometimes," the demon spoke aloud, her voice wavering slightly. "Speaking to the dead. Not in the new age psychic ghost whisperer kind of way, just...coming to their graves, and talking to them. I guess...I guess it makes them feel better." Anya paused for a long moment, half-wondering whether or not anyone was currently in earshot - most likely she would be deemed crazy if there were, but at the moment she couldn't really bring herself to care. "It's silly. Stupid, even. Desperate. So I guess I'm all of those things, too." And maybe she was. Silly and stupid seemed to be terms that humans frequently used to describe her, and as for desperate...well, she didn't know. Desperation was a human weakness. But hadn't she all but become human over these past few years?

She drew a breath, and continued. "I don't know what happens to demons when they die. I died once, but I was human then. And I can't.." Trailing off, her brow furrowed slightly. "Can't really remember. Anyway, if it's true that we all get fiery, torturous ends in the pits of hell - well then, maybe someone up there can make an exception. Just this once, I promise. Just for Hallie. She was never evil, really, not like I was. She believed she was helping people. And...and she helped me. She was a good friend." Her light brown gaze traveled slowly up to the slightly clouded sky, almost pleading by this point. To who? What was to say that anyone was actually listening to the ramblings of a senseless, awkwardly blunt and strangely literal demon? "But if you can't help her find some place nice, then maybe...someone up there could tell her something for me? Tell her that I'm sorry, and I miss her. And..."

Another pause. Longer. More hesitant.

"And not to hate me. I know 'forgiveness' and 'vengeance demons' don't go hand in hand, but...just ask her not to hate me, not forever, alright?"

There was more she wanted to say, much more. But at the moment, and a VERY rare moment this must have been, words were failing the usually chatty blonde. If she couldn't say more, then she wanted to at least do something. Stand up. Walk away, her piece said. The problem was, her legs didn't seem to want to move...and truth be told, she wasn't quite sure if she was ready to just yet. So Anya remained seated under the tall oak tree that now served as a marker for her friend's memorial, simply staring blankly out into the rows and rows of graves. A vengeance demon, mourning her vengeance demon friend, in a human cemetery.

This had to be a first.



ooc:// this...anya...sad...wut? I don't know. Weird muse today. had to be written out. Anyone who wants to can pop in and make her feel better...or even more horrible than she already does xD.

[buffy]

Buffy walked behind Anya and sighed, as she was patrolling the cemetery. As she did every night since she got to New York. Anyway, as she walked there with her weapons at ready, she didn't noticed Anya until she turned to her direction as she felt like she wasn't alone. Anyway, as she watched her she just sighed then walked over to her and looked down then back at her. "Anya?! are you are alright? What are you doing here? What's wrong? What did I miss? I am guessing you didn't see Xander yet, did you?" Buffy asked her friend curiously. She looked around as she waited for her reply to her. Buffy then sighed as she noticed that they were still alone and looked back over at Anya, as she still waited for her reply. She really did hoped that Anya was alright and safe as she truly cared for her no matter what, even if Anya could be a big pain in the butt a lots of times. However, Buffy still saw her as a friend no matter what, as she hoped that she knew that rather well.

"Anya? I am not interrupting you with anything, am I?" she asked her after a while of silence. Buffy then heard a noise as she looked back at Anya. "Be right back, hold that thought" Buffy said as she got out her stake, as she got ready to stake the attacker. Just then two vampires jumped on her and attacked her as she fought them. It took Buffy a while but she staked them eventually. Then she stood up off the place they knocked her over, right where they were going to bite her just as she staked them. Buffy was weak and wounded but not so much to pay any attention to, after all she was used to that by now, considering it wasn't the first time and she doubted that it would ever be the last time. Anyway, after she stood up she dusted herself then went back to Anya.

"Sorry about that, I am back now. So anyway, where were we? Oh yeah, I asked you something, didn't I? Am I interrupting something? I do hope not, as I didn't plan on interrupting you. Which is why I will leave if that is the case" Buffy said to her as she waited for an answer. She looked around then back at her and sighed to that. Buffy waited for an answer as she fixed her clothes and her hair. "By the way Anya, Xander will meet you at the new coffee shop tomorrow's night, around six or seven thirty. Well I told him an old friend wanted to see him again and he was surprised, but excited so he told me that and asked me to let you know, if and when I see you again" Buffy said and sighed to that. She then looked down and back at Anya, as she waited for her to reply.

Buffy wasn't sure what to expect from Anya, but she did hoped that she would be fine with seeing Xander again, but if not she could always re schedule it or cancel it all together. Depending on what Anya decided. However she hoped that Anya won't have a problem seeing Xander again, since she thought it would be the best thing to do, as well as she wanted them to meet and talk and maybe even continue their relationship where they left it or something. She wasn't too sure that Anya would accept, but she tried to hope for the best anyway. As she knew all to well that hoping for the best wasn't a crime, or at least it shouldn't be one at all. Part of her believed that Anya will accept that, but other part of her told her that she won't which confused her, yet she decided to wait to hear the answer before doing anything.

[Anya]

The sound of approaching footsteps didn't quite register - or perhaps it did, and she simply wasn't in any particular mood to care - until the newcomer in question had ceased their approach only a few feet away from where the vengeance demon was currently sitting. Blinking, she glanced up and met the familiar gaze of a certain vampire slayer. Anya's slightly melancholy expression quickly switched to a more inquisitive one as she stared blankly at the other blonde. In retrospect, running into Buffy in the middle of a cemetery really shouldn't have struck her as unusual - a place like this would be one of the most frequent haunts of a girl who killed vampires who rose from their graves on a regular basis. But truthfully, she was still getting used to having the Scoobies around - after the fall of Sunnydale she'd more or less convinced herself that she'd most likely never see any of them again, which had been...a surprisingly heart-wrenching decision. That's what one got, Anya supposed, when they allowed themselves to become too attached to humans. Most likely it was the painful experience of losing them that made her a bit hesitant to reconnect with them now.

But that didn't change the fact that they were here - Buffy, and Spike, and from the sound of things everyone else as well. And however things played out this was something she'd have to accept, eventually. So after a moment, she shook these thoughts away and forced a falsely cheery smile to greet the slayer. Humans felt uncomfortable, she noticed, when they knew you were upset about something. That was why they always put on a happy face - to avoid discomfort. Though it wasn't very comfortable, Anya noted as she tried this concept out, to keep smiling when all she really wanted to do was cry and plead and do whatever was necessary to fix these things that seemed so beyond fixing - Hallie's death, or the countless others that had suffered because of her in the past for that matter. But for once Anya didn't intend to broadcast each and every thought that was running through her head at the moment. Instead, she merely replied with a half-hearted "Oh hello, Buffy!"

It took a moment longer to respond to the ceaseless questions that Buffy next addressed her with - but after a brief hesitation, she added, "I'm fine, thank you for asking. Wonderful. Peachy. It's a nice day, isn't it? It'd be nicer if all of these people were here to enjoy it too, though." she commented, glancing pointedly around the rows and rows of graves. She didn't know...well, anyone buried here, but she imagined it still might be nice to give them a second shot at life. Assuming they weren't serial killers or...rabbit breeders or anything horrific like that. "Um - and I don't mean that in any...zombie sort of way." she felt the need to add, realizing that these days any wishes to bring someone back from the dead could be taken in...well, kind of the wrong way.

Aaaand speaking of taking things the wrong way, Buffy's last question about whether or not she'd seen Xander yet caught Anya's interest in a way that wasn't exactly...positive. Her gaze snapped sharply back as the name of her ex-fiance escaped the slayer's mouth, and her eyes narrowed a fraction. "What's Xander got to do with anything?" she asked warily. She wasn't entirely sure why the Scoobies insisted upon bringing him up in her presence - after the wedding fiasco no one had dared mention him within a five mile radius of her, but suddenly it was all 'Anya's back from the dead! You have to see Xander, Anya! Go! Run back to him and have one of those emotional movie reunions with the slow motion running and obnoxiously sappy music!' Well - maybe not in those exact words, but whatever. Fact of the matter, yes, she missed Xander. More often than she'd like to admit. Another fact of the matter - they'd broken up a long time ago. And honestly, she was afraid that seeing him again would send her running back into his arms. And that couldn't happen. She wouldn't give him an opportunity to hurt her again.

Fortunately, Buffy seemed to have slipped away for a moment, giving the vengeance demon a brief amount of time to mull all of this over. But upon the slayer's return, Anya stirred out of her slightly troubled thoughts and returned her attention to her friend, quirking her head inquisitively to the side. "The only thing you were interrupting was me sitting by myself in the middle of an empty graveyard. Nothing eventful. I won't hold it against you." Anya informed her matter-of-factly, giving a faint hint of an amused smile. Really, she didn't mind the company - it was somewhat comforting, actually, but she still neglected to mention what she'd actually been doing here. It wasn't exactly that she had any particular desire to keep secrets from Buffy, but...Anya was a demon. Buffy was a demon-killer. And as much as she genuinely did like the girl, there were some issues that they were simply never going to see eye to eye on. And...considering that Buffy had tried to kill Anya right before Hallie's death, this was one of them. A particularly sensitive one of them, actually. "Anyway. What was that all about?" In an attempt to divert Buffy's attention, the demon nodded slightly in the direction that the slayer had just scurried back from. It didn't take a genius to figure out what had just diverted Buffy's attention - they were in the middle of a cemetery, after all - but Anya was too eager for a subject change to really care.

And then - oh yes, be careful what you wish for - the subject changed a bit too dramatically. Buffy's reason for mentioning Xander earlier suddenly clicked into place as the other blonde casually mentioned the plans that Xander had evidently set up to meet the vengeance demon...tomorrow. WHAT THE-?! When had she agreed to this?! She snorted indignantly, opening her mouth to give some sort of cynical retort - but, embarrassingly, the first thing that ended up coming out was - "Xander wants to see me?" A moment later, she was mentally slapping herself in the face for that one. Sounding like some lovesick schoolgirl, of all things...but really, it was sort of surprising that her ex-fiance wanted to meet her for coffee, spur of the moment. They hadn't even had their first official awkward face-to-face yet, and now he was asking her on what may or may not have been a date?Anya huffed a bit, lowering her gaze to the ground.

"Well you can tell him that if he wants to meet me anywhere, he can tell me that himself. This isn't one of those ridiculous spy novels he used to enjoy - he can approach me in broad daylight the same as anyone else can. Unless...you neglected to mention that he's been bitten by a vampire since the last time I've seen him." It wasn't Xander she was supposed to be thinking about, anyway - she was supposed to be contemplating what she'd done to Hallie. And she...she wasn't going to allow something like this to distract her.

[buffy]

Buffy watched Anya as well as she listened to her as she sighed. She then looked down and back at her. "Are you sure you are alright? And Don't worry about telling me how you feel, as I do understand pain more then anyone, you should know that as I went through a lot myself, remember? The day is alright, I suppose. Yeah, death isn't great but people and people die, that's how life works. My mom died, remember? Anyway, losing someone you love and care for isn't nice, never was and never will be, but we deal with it the way we can" she then looked around at all the graves then back at her. "I know what you mean, Anya" Buffy added as she looked at her amused, since she understood her so the explanation was definitely unneeded, also she was rather used to it by now, as it was the way Anya was.

What Buffy said next about Xander seemed to get Anya railed up, at least the way it seemed to Buffy as she sighed to that. She looked down then back at her. "Relax there, Anya! Didn't mean nothing bad by it, I was just wondering that's all, take it easy" was all she said to her. Buffy was rather surprised by the reaction but only a little, since she knew Anya well and most things anyone tells her she gets it completely wrong, so it was definitely not first time nor last time. "After you two got back together, he changed as well as he changed after your death. I believe he misses you and wants you back"

Buffy then went away to do her thing then she came back and sighed as she watched Anya closely. When Anya spoke again she listened to her as she smiled. "Well good to know and believe me when I say, it really is good to see" Buffy looked down then back as she walked much closer to her. She then looked to the side then back at Anya. "Hold that thought" she then went to the side and fought two vampires and eventually dusted them too, then she went back to Anya. "Just stupid vampires again, as usual" just then two vampires got out of the ground but as soon as they saw Buffy they got back in as she looked at them and picked up an eyebrow. "Good boys, stay there" she said to them then looked back at Anya.

What Buffy said after that seemed to make Anya uneasy, at least it seemed that way to Buffy as she just sighed to that. She then looked down at back at her. "Yes he does, he is just stared to call as he doesn't want to sound stupid!" she said to her as she hoped that Anya would understand. Buffy the looked to the side just in time to see a vampire walk in to her stick Mr Pointy and get dusted, she just picked up an eye brow then looked back at Anya.

"It's nothing like that, he is just scared. He is scared to seem stupid in front of you! Anya, Xander said he is scared of your reaction so he rather you turn it down when I say it then when he does, that is if you are going to turn him down that is. We both hope that you won't, well we all do anyway as he means it" Buffy said then looked down.

[Anya]

Pain? Oh, Anya had no doubt that Buffy knew more about pain than just about anyone. After all, being the slayer...she'd had to sacrifice quite a lot. A normal life, for one. Anya didn't know much about what it was like to have one, but Buffy did - and she'd given that up to save the world on a regular basis. Then there was the fact that Buffy had lost more people - in more ways - than any person should ever have to lose. "Yes. Yes, I remember your mother." she murmured in response, and for a moment the usually tactless demon's tone was softened by sympathy. Anya couldn't imagine what it must be like to lose your own mother. She couldn't even remember what had become of her own, it had been so long ago. But...although she and Joyce had never been particularly close, Anya had liked her. And she remembered very clearly that Joyce's death had been her first real experience of grief and loss - and she remembered how horribly painful and confusing it had all been. Knowing that this grief had been magnified tenfold in Buffy...well, it made her admit that she admired the fact that Buffy was still standing.

"You...you shouldn't have lost her, Buffy. It wasn't fair. Let's face it, a lot of things about your life aren't fair." Anya gave a slight, half-amused snort at this, in a 'what can you do?' sort of way. Most people could pretty accurately claim that their lives weren't fair - but Buffy was a special case. "Xander always worried about you, you know. He thought maybe, after everything you'd been through, it would just...be too much to handle one day. Of course you pretty much put that theory to rest with your continuous display of undeterred ass-kicking." she informed the slayer matter-of-factly. And it was true - Xander was constantly fretting over Buffy. Back when Anya had first begun dating him, it had made her just a tad jealous seeing the sort or relationship that Xander and Buffy had. They had a certain bond, a closeness that most people wished they could share with someone else. But...Buffy was Xander's best friend. That was something she'd come to accept, and eventually even take comfort in. Xander really, really needed a friend like Buffy.

"But the thing is," She paused a moment, her gaze dropping back to the patch of ground where she'd buried the necklace. "I didn't lose her. I killed her." Again, she didn't make a point of specifying the 'her' she referred to. It wasn't likely that Buffy even remembered Halfrek anyway. And if she did? Well, somehow Anya doubted that the slayer was going to have any regrets over the death of a vengeance demon...well...one who had never dated Xander, become human at some point, and joined up with the Scoobies, that was. So all things considered, this wasn't something she particularly wanted to talk about with Buffy of all people - and she was somewhat relieved when the subject shifted again, even if it was back to Xander.

Oh, now he wanted her back. After the wedding it'd been all 'this is never going to work out', but now! Ugh. There were about a million and one reasons why the whole idea freaked her out, and...and maybe that topic change hadn't been such a good idea after all. "Yes well, I don't really want to think about that just now, so I'm going to awkwardly change the subject." Anya announced bluntly, though before she could scrounge up something else to talk about, she was distracted by....vampires. Crawling up out of the ground. Goodness, she had lost track of time - it must have been nearing evening, with the sun having set enough to allow these pesky little critters to make an entrance. Immediately the vengeance demon was on her feet, practically bristling with hostility as she glared over at the pair of bloodsucking half-breeds. Anya could admit Spike was alright. And she'd only met Angel once, but at least he seemed...broody and tall and attractive. But apart from that, the blonde mostly shared the general demonic viewpoint that vampires were nothing but savage half-breed scum.

Thankfully though, these ones had realized there was a slayer in there presence and were sent scurrying back to their graves. Pathetic. At least when Anya had been evil she would have faced Buffy head-on. Stifling her contempt, however, she turned her attention back to Buffy and blinked. "I don't like this. There shouldn't be this many vampires around here. It's like we're back in Sunnydale, except without the small-town charm and surprisingly decent real estate value." She prattled all of this off quite seriously, though only she would've found something like real estate value memorable.

Xander? Scared? Well that was nothing new. Hadn't all of this trouble started because he'd been scared to marry her? And if he was chickening out before they even came face to face at this point, how was she supposed to believe that anything had changed? "That's the trouble with you...you humans." Anya sighed after a moment. "You're always afraid to say what you really mean because you think it'll sound stupid, or that other people won't like it." Truly, it was something she'd never understand - something she'd never want to understand - which was why her trademark bluntness had yet to fade from her personality even after all this time spent amongst humans. Gazing a bit more calmly at Buffy now, she added, "You can tell Xander if he wants something from me, he can talk to me about it like a grown adult. ....Wow. I just used 'Xander' and 'grown adult' in the same sentence..." Quite a feat. Maybe some things really did change.

[buffy]

Buffy watched Anya as she thought about everything she went through and sighed. She has given up so much just to protect the world that she felt like the more time passed, the less she had to give up on as all she had now was her duties as the slayer and being a sister. At times she felt like she gave up her friends too, even so it turned out that they were still there after all. Which included Anya and Buffy hoped that she knew that. Also the fact that she lost more people then anyone should ever wasn’t something that made her job easier, in fact just the opposite it made it harder on her.. It was one of the reasons she hated being a slayer, among others. “I figured you do, not many who know her forget her. I think some people believe that I killed her but I didn’t kill my mother” she watched her and sighed as she shock her head to that. Buffy did admit that lost of so many people made her stronger and tougher but it still hurt her, as well as annoyed her. Especially her mother’s death. It hurt her friends and many others tat knew her mother but it hurt her way more because it was her mother, not theirs but hers so it was harder on her because they were pretty close, not at first but eventually. It was just not fair but Buffy knew that life was never fair yet for a slayer it was way worse. In fact she wanted to quit even more from being a slayer after her mother’s death. Buffy knew that most people and the scoobies admired her for being brave and still standing, yet she herself was still surprised that she was brave and still standing. Somehow she managed and a bit part of it was because of her dear friends, the scoobie gang. Buffy had no idea what would she done without them. Ever since she lost that many people she wanted to really grieve and mourn for them, as well as cru but with her life she couldn’t effort that because she had to be strong for others, especially for her sister Dawn.

“You are right, Anya I should have but because of my life I did! That’s the price for being a vampire slayer. I shouldn’t have lost the ones that I did but I did, it’s this life that took the people care for from me. You are telling me about it, being a slayer isn’t fair by itself! I wish I never was chosen but I was and that is just how things are. Then again we all lost something.” Buffy watched her as she picked up an eyebrow at her. Also she understood her she found it rather weird that she did that. Then again that was Anya for you and she knew that rather well. “Yeah I know, he is worried about anyone. You included, Any! Don’t forget that. When you died he took it rather hard. Harder then you can imagine. He did? So typical of him but then again that’s Xander for you! He was right, the reason I still stand and fight is him. You, Dawn and others. Including Girls, Faith and the potentials as well as innocent people! If not for any of you I would have no doubt have fallen a part by now! Well that is how I am, that’s is the way I have to be” she said as she laughed a little at the last part Anya said, before answering her. Buffy looked down then back at her and smiled at her.

When Anya spoke again she looked at her and listened to her speak. She just sighed to that “The question is so, did you kill her because you just felt like it or because you had no choice? Wasn’t she threatening your life among us or wasn’t she? That what you need to ask yourself Anya. That is what matters. It is hard true that but if you really had no choice like self defense or protecting someone you love then you did what you had to do, so it’s not a bad thing but if you killed her because you just wanted to then it makes you bad, Anya” she watched her closely as she said that, then she sighed and changed the subject back to Xander. Buffy believed that that subject was better then anything else, as other things they talked about were too grim, and she was rather not to talk about them again, if she could help it.

Buffy watched her as she sighed. She doubted that Anya was going to give Xander another chance. Also Buffy didn’t blame her she still felt bad for Xander because he was her friend, even if he got himself in that situation. She knew all too well that he regretted it, also she still couldn’t believe that he did it to Anya. Buffy thought that Xander was an idiot for doing that but over time he matured and she hoped that Anya would understand that sooner or later. She believed that she will over time. Xander was only human and made mistakes, and Buffy knew a lot about as even she made mistakes too even if she was a slayer. A lots of people made mistakes as she knew all too well that Anya made some too, even if Any remembered or not so she hoped that she forgave him even if only because of that. “Alright but please do as he is serious. He loves you still and wishes to go back to you. Xander is really sorry for hurting you, he hates himself for doing that! And to be honest I believe him” Buffy said as she watched Anya closely and sighed. As the next thing happened she just watched the vampires and sighed, after the ones she got rid of earlier that night, this ones seemed rather late, but then again it was possible that they only woke up, even if it was rather odd. It surely wouldn’t be the first time, that much she knew. It didn’t worry or scare her as much as it made her roll her eyes as the vampires acted weird. Not to mention the fact that it took them that long to wake up was strange and crazy enough as it is for her.

Buffy watched what happened next as she rolled her eyes again and stared at the vampires rather amused by their behavior. She had a feeling that Anya noticed that too and thought like her that it was pathetic as it was. Just as pathetic as another vampire walked straight into her stake and dusted itself. Not that Buffy minded that but it wasn’t usual situation at all. It was more insane and crazy, as well as very odd then anything else. That was for sure. Anyway, few seconds later, Buffy looked back at Anya as she listened to her. “Honestly, same here also I am a slayer and I like slaying them but it is more then usual that’s for sure! Then again we are in the cemetery so that could be why it’s that many. I agree with you, Anya. Then again most places are like that! I am guessing there is a hell mouth here too. Then again most places got a hell mouth, so maybe here too” Buffy was surprised that Anya found real estate values memorable but didn’t commented on it because she was used to that by now. Since she knew the other woman for a while now, even so she died after the war and now was back, Buffy still didn’t see nothing extraordinary about her behavior as it was just Anya, the way she always is and was, as well as will be. She was sure of that.

Anyway, when Buffy said the next she just watched Anya and wondered what was she thinking about, as well as she wondered if she would forgive Xander or not. She didn’t mind if the other woman took time to think about forgiving him but she hoped that she eventually would, because Buffy in her place would have because Xander was serious about it, she could tell and she believed that once the two met Anya would realize that too. At least she hoped so anyway. “Hey being scared is normal, no crime there but if we are together, as friends or one with another as a couple then we help each other deal with it. You going back to him would help him deal with it better! Xander needs you, he really does. Just this time you two should go slower that’s all and marry only when you both are ready and willing to go to the next level” she replied and sighed. “It is normal, that what makes us who we are. However not all of us are like that so. It is just when we want something and had no luck before then we are just being careful. You see he went through a lot, as you did. Xander was once a hyena and other things happened so he is scared. He needs something that would make him feel like it’s constant not changing. Most people need that! And I don’t think he was doing that t hurt you, he was scared to hurt you or anything like that, not sure you got to talk to him about it. Also am not proud of him for doing that, none of us are, neither is he but you should let him make it up for it” Buffy replied after she listened to Buffy speak, after she spoke. She looked down then back at her as she watched her and nodded. “Will do, if you want you can walk with me, as he will call so maybe it will give you both a chance to talk. Xander is just shy at times and scared but am sure it will work out between you two, just give it a chance is all”

[Anya]

What the - had Buffy just said people thought she'd killed Joyce? Anya looked back at her sharply, indignation quickly seeping through her expression. "Who thinks that?" she protested, offended at the very idea. Did humans actually go around accusing each other of this sort of thing these days? "She died of an aneurysm. The autopsy's proven that. And anyway, anyone who thinks you would kill your own mother is an idiot." she finished dismissively, scowling slightly now. There were times - more often than not, actually - when Anya's bluntness could be offensive, inappropriate, and...distinctly obnoxious. But then there was the rare occasion, like this one, where she'd stick up for someone - and you could be certain she meant every word she was saying.

It was an instinctive reaction that made the vengeance demon stir slightly when Buffy went on to mention that she wished she'd never been chosen to be the slayer. "Don't say that." Anya cut in, a bit more sharply than she'd intended to. Buffy didn't know that she was a demon again - as far as Anya knew, Spike hadn't told her, and that was probably for the better - but every time someone mentioned that...w-word, she was instinctively tempted. And the idea of Buffy not being the slayer was dangerously reminiscent of the wish Cordelia had made back when Anya had still been...well, evil. She decided not to say any more on the matter. Especially since Buffy was going on about being chosen, though as far as the demon was concerned - and Anya had actually told Buffy this on one occasion - she'd always sort of thought Buffy had treated being the slayer like a privilege. In light of all the people she really had lost, however, this didn't seem quite fair to mention.

When Buffy changed tracks again and mentioned how distraught Xander had evidently been about her death, Anya looked away and shifted her weight between her feet a bit guiltily. She hadn't really figured Xander would be all that upset - he hadn't thought she was worth marrying, after all, so how invested in her could he be? Hearing otherwise, however, made her feel...well, just a bit remorseful about not going to see him sooner. Wait, no. What was she thinking? He...deserved it. Snorting, she chose to focus on the second aspect of what the slayer had just said. "Yeah yeah, the power of friendship is a miraculous thing. Excuse me while I go pretend to be emotional." the blonde grumbled. Truthfully, Anya valued the connection she'd formed to the Scoobies a lot more than she'd ever admit to Buffy's face. But she wasn't exactly great at talking about all that...sappy stuff.

Thankfully, her attention was drawn away from all of that when Buffy inquired whether or not Halfrek had been threatening anyone's life and whether it'd been necessary to kill her. For a moment, Anya actually stopped and stared at the other woman openly, her face a mask of confusion. And then - oh! She quickly reminded herself that Buffy did not, in fact, know that it was Hallie she'd been referring to. Though even if Buffy had known, she reflected ruefully, her response probably would've been similar. That was the problem with slayers. They thought all demons just had to be offed. Never the less, she felt compelled to defend her friend. "She wasn't threatening anyone!" Anya replied defensively. "And I didn't actually kill her - well, not personally. But I might as well have. And I would prefer not to talk about it any longer." she finished in a clipped sort of tone, hoping that her words carried some sort of finality to them.

...And she didn't really want to talk about Xander, either. Buffy was just full of uncomfortable conversation topics today. She didn't want to take any of the things Buffy was telling her into consideration, not now, and especially not since Xander wasn't telling her them himself. Evasively, she cleared her throat. "Yes. Let's walk." was all that she replied with, firmly setting forth on the nearby path that led through the cemetery.