Epic Rap Battles of Homestuck History

[profnine]

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HOMESTUCK HISTORY
DAVE STRIDER VS ROSE LALONDE

BEGIN!

I don’t need to be the Seer of Light to see that I’ll be the victor in this vocabular fight. You’re outclassed, outmatched, and you can’t even rap right.

Whatchu' know about my bars, sis? Ain't no question that I got this! Just a flexed finger and a flicked wrist, paves a lyrical road for the king, bitch!

The day shall turn to night upon ye. For I am Rose; and soon to be crowned the undisputed queen of purple-blooded prose. Befitting my god-tier garb, every word I speak is laced with a barb.

What colour is the blood of your rap Dave? See, my rap is the very highest on the haemospectrum. On the other hand, your poorly thought-out rhymes sound like words ejected from a sick troll’s rectum!

Let’s draw up a concept for this contest. I got a convex view on my conquest.

I’mma conspire to conceive my flow’s content to make you concede.

Your rhymes are positively inferior. How did those red pyjamas bestow the capacity to suck such epic puppet posterior? What gall! I’ve dealt with enough MeGaLoVania in my days to know that Time is NOT, in fact, on your side at all!

If rhymes were our actions, and our words were a war? I’d be slicing you in half with my good friend Kanaya’s chainsaw.

Lemme condole for that conflict with the Condesce's conscript.

He gotta conform to my conjecture, so I can conquer this lyrical conflict.

I'll connect the dots from conception to condemnation of your lyrical constructs.

TRY ALL THE RHYMES. ALL OF THEM. BECAUSE WE ARE MAKING THIS HAPPEN TODAY.

AND THERE’S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO STOP ME STITCHING YOU VERBALLY INTO A DAVE-SHAPED WOOLY SMUPPET CROCHET.

I’D EVEN BE CONSIDERATE ENOUGH TO BE THE ONE WHO FOREWARNS-

-YOU TO NEVER TO ENDEAVOR TO EVEN ATTEMPT TO TANGO AGAINST MY DREADED DANCE OF THORNS.

Hot damn! You got that fresh grimdark flow. But your cruxtruder's countin' down for me to pillage this show.

See, Strider blood is made o' sick fires, it's something you gotta know, so lemme prune that Atomic Bonsai with a Deringer death blow.

Why, any member of the Midnight Crew could assemble a retort better than you.

And yes, by saying that, I’m even counting in Clubs Deuce, too!

See, them agents be too busy staring in amazement, 'cuz this slam poet's announcement heralds verbal debasement.

So skip the bewitchment, 'cuz now it's my assessment that you're overdue a consignment of this rhyming defacement.